Humans are social animals. No one can stay in isolation in longevity. Therefore, we need love, attention, care and socialisation. To fulfill these needs, we spend time with families, build faithful relationships and invest emotionally in friendships. However, when these relationships fail to sustain, we often feel hurt and broken because we make them the pillars of our lives. This is where people make mistakes and land up in abusive and disrespectful relationships.
While you are in a relationship, you can never know if you are being wronged. To assess the status of a relationship, one needs to look at it from an outer perspective. This perspective helps to look at the relationship with alienation. Alienation theory given by Karl Marx explains how dissociation with a situation or relationship can help in improving the circumstances by cutting ties for a due period.
We are what we see. Most common causes of disrespect in a relationship come from what we see. Almost all of us have seen our parents fighting over petty issues in our households. Disrespect and mental abuse formed the most poignant part of these arguments, and hence we have carry forward the same legacy thoughtlessly.
Most relationships, connections and friendships lose their charm due to disrespect. Women, in the Indian society particularly, are taught since girlhood to be obedient, soft spoken, timid and compromising. This gives liberty to men to normalize their dismissive, coherently cruel and toxic behavior.
What does “disrespect” in a relationship mean?
The literal meaning of “disrespect” is lack of courtesy or respect for somebody/something shown by way of actions. Since respect refers to a feeling and sense of admiration, disrespect has to be completely opposite of it. Love, appreciation, compassion, acceptance, companionship, trust, loyalty, optimism and mutual understanding are few of the most important elements of a relationship. People can fall in love easily but sustenance of love for a long period is challenging.
Nevertheless, if we conclude disrespect in a relationship as the absence of all of the above characteristics, we may be nearing the truth. There are several ways in which one can know if they are being disrespected in a space. These ways are mostly signs that must be spotted in the early stages itself otherwise the relationship can lie on the verge of being toxic and destructive.
Spotting the SIGNS of disrespect
A successful relationship is one where both partners respect each other equally. When this respect from either side gets lost , the relationship starts turning towards hollowness. If you are experiencing the below signs repetitively, then it’s time for you to confront your partner:
- Incapability to listen
The most significant purpose for an individual to be in a relationship is to be listened to. If they ignore you continuously in a conversation whether in private or public, consider it a red flag. Communication is the most important key to thrive an emotional connection with the partener. Not listening is a sign that your partner is being judgemental towards you and finds you unimportant. This inattentiveness is also an indicator of being disinterested.
- Silent treatment
Silent treatment is considered to be the most toxic behavior, especially found in men. This is because men are biologically functioned to keep their emotions behind closed doors. But this can be no excuse in a relationship. If only one partner is making the efforts, which in most cases are women, then men have to be held responsible. This tool is often used as a precursor to mentally abuse women by making them feel hurt and powerless.
- Catching them lying
Lying is the most dangerous and ruthless form of disrespect that any man can do. Obviously, big lies like cheating hurt the most, they have the capacity to uproot the foundations of trust and loyalty in a relationship. However, it is the small lies which become the cause of disrespect and toxicity. Two people in a relationship are binded with faith, its disappearance can trigger disbelief and lack of transparency. Always remember, Honesty is indeed the best policy.
- Hurting feelings on purpose
When you are in a relationship or marriage with a man, you give the rein of emotional control in his hands. This happens from both sides. During arguments and disagreements, partners are bound to hurt each other because they are emotionally connected. However, when this hurting and blaming game is not accidental anymore, but intentional, that is when you have to see it as a form of disrespect. Accusations, name calling and disrespectful words during the arguments are a sign of toxic behaviour.
- Not offering support when required
A woman expects her man to always support her in personal and professional life. Since it is quite evident that we live in a male-dominated society, women have to deal with the repercussions of things they aren’t responsible for. Thereafter, withdrawal of moral and emotional support must be seen as an indicator of disrespect. Prioritizing the person you want to spend your life with is important. If your partner is apathetic towards you, it is time to exit.
- No sense of boundaries
Boundaries have to be set even in most personal relationships. Yes we do reside in a culture where boundaries are not given as much significance but it doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be set. This is not just about physical or sexual boundaries but also about emotional, spiritual and mental boundaries. Any kind of discomfort caused by your partner at your cost is a clear sign of disrespect in the relationship.
- Not giving importance or attention
The reason why a woman requires attention in a relationship is because it provides assurance that you are important. In a long term marriage, couples often start taking each other lightly, this moves the vehicle downhill. To grow a relationship, attention is the most essential part. Attention to financial needs, emotional needs, spending time, treating their family with respect and considering their careers important are a few things that often go missing with the passage of time. Therefore, lack of attention is considered as ignorance and neglect of someone’s feelings, this can be hurtful.
- Unwillingness to communicate
Often partners lose communication in the long run. It is said that good friends can be good partners. This is because friends share a sense of transparent communication without judgement and emotional baggage. As soon as friendship turns into a romantic connection, insecurities and judgments start overpowering communication. If your boyfriend or husband is unable to hold a conversation with you without derogatory remarks and arguments, then he is not the one for you.
- Gaslighting and psychological manipulation
If your partner is continuously gaslighting i.e. manipulating (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity then please exit as soon as possible. Often men gaslight women without even realizing. Psychological manipulation occurs when your husband or boyfriend keeps reiterating that he is always right. The urge to be right comes from the sense of winning an argument. This is a clear sign of egoistic trait and should not be acceptable.
- Exhibiting narcissistic tendencies
Narcissistic tendencies are born out of inflated egos. When your partner asks for excessive importance and attention with lack of empathy towards your needs, he is a narcissist. Procurement of a highway attitude in a relationship punctures the wheels of marriage completely. Both partners must negotiate and move ahead with terms and conditions in the relationship but when all the compromises are directed towards the women, such disrespect must not be accepted.
Behaviour that shouldn’t be allowed in a relationship/marriage
Everyone deserves a loving and respectful relationship. There’s nothing wrong with you if the relationship doesnt work. It is also not necessary that your [artner is at fault, sometimes it is the circumstances that turn bitter. Nonetheless, if you have thrived in a disrespectful relationship it is time that you take action against it. If you are thinking that time will change things or ignoring it may make things better, you are completely wrong.
Men with self esteem issues, superiority complex, emotionally abusive past relations and first time romantic experience can turn disrespectful. One thing that you have to keep in mind is that you must be aware at all times of what is allowed and what is not. This self-consciousness is the only way to protect yourself from falling into a trap of an abusive relationship.
The impact of disrespectful relationship on one’s mental health
The effect of disrespect in a relationship is not the same as that of domestic violence or abuse. Domestic violence leaves women physically injured mentally flustered, however in case of disrespect, the impact can be evidently seen on mental health. Following are few points which compile the effect in a more concise way:
- Lack of self confidence
- Financially insecurity
- Possibility of mental diseases/disorders
- Negative impact on children
- Inability to communicate
- Repetitive thoughts
- Professional setback
- Fluctuation in emotions
- Effect on sleep cycle
- Absent mindedness
- Loneliness
Where, When and How to draw the line?
The first step in finding a solution to such a situation is identification of disrespectful traits. Once you have identified, the next step must be to address what wrong is happening in the relationship. If the partner accepts and realizes it, then communicate all your feelings to him and seek out ways in which it can be curbed.
However, if he doesn’t accept his toxic behaviour or shows that what he has been doing was not merely accidental, try to have a dialogue with all logical points. But if still, he is ignorant of his behaviour, then it is a major red flag and it is indeed time for you to leave. No matter how hard it can get, standing up for yourself is the best form of respect.
Dealing with disrespect in a dignified manner
It is a better and smarter way to deal with disrespectful behavior in a polite and dignified manner without creating a mess. If you portray disrespect against disrespect, then you may end up fighting like cats and dogs. Below-mentioned are few ways which can help you to approach the situation well and get a useful solution:
- Take time
Since you have just identified and realized his toxic behaviour, it is important that you spend time with yourself to assess the situation. It is okay to not find all answers at first, but don’t give up. Go with the flow.
- Communicate
It is rightfully said that communication is the key to solving the biggest problems of the world. Take a deep breath and let all your emotional burden out, you will already feel better. Discuss with him to know his side of the story too.
- Asses the consistency
Arguments are quite common between partners, but you have to see how frequently they happen and who gets the most affected always. To do this, you will have to look at the bigger picture from outside.
- Say NO
Learning to say NO is hard but once you have a grab on it, you are good to go. This is the first step of setting boundaries. Men have the capability of disrespecting women because women give them the opportunity to. Snatch it from them and play your own game.
- Exit
If none of the above options work, then the final solution to deal with disrespect is to leave. Taking an exit doesn’t mean that you are giving up, it only means that you respect yourself enough to not see yourself getting insulted and abused emotionally.
Hoping that this guide helps you to better the relationship with your boyfriend or husband or even a close friend. Remember that if you don’t stand up and speak for yourself, no one will. Learn to draw a line, to say No. Because when the water crosses over the head, you must know enough is enough!