It can be hard to know how to react when a colleague is rude to you. In the expectation that the individual will stop, some people are tempted to let violent behaviour slip. Others find themselves battling back. When a coworker treats you badly, how do you change the dynamic? And if the conduct continues or gets worse, how do you know when you’re dealing with a real bully?
The best kind of professional fireworks can also arise from such random sets of colleagues: sparky, satisfying partnerships, meaningful friendships, and brief but fond acquaintances. But you will find yourself stuck with a non-team player every once in a while, a bully, a jerk, or someone who is just continuously belittling or condescending.
The very first step is to identify what’s causing the behaviour. Research from Nathanael Fast, an assistant professor at the Marshall School of Business at the University of Southern California, proves a popular idea: when their pride is challenged, people act out.
“We often see powerful people behave aggressively toward less powerful people when their competence is questioned,” he says. “People who are skilled and well-liked are the most frequent targets precisely because they pose a threat.” So, it can stimulate the ego of the abuser.
- You don’t need to be rude in return:
The reflexive response to rudeness, even for the most wise among us, would be to retaliate with the same. Hatefulness can be just as infectious in its own way as the seasonal cold sweeping through your department, says Porath.
You may have the sharpest putdown ready to fire, but note that the office jerk will not be silenced by a withering takedown, only inflamed, and potentially escalated into open confrontation by their one-sided rudeness. Avoid their zingers, reduce your interactions, and be short, polite and firm when you have to deal with them.
- Spend time with colleagues that make you happy:
“Everybody should have alliances at work — peers and people above and below, who can be your advocates and champions,” recommends Woodward. Communicate to such friends and see what they can do to support, whether it’s just confirming your stance or communicating on your behalf. Of course, you can consult your HR if the situation escalates. But before that, Woodward says, “you owe it to the relationship to try to solve it informally,”.
Make sure you have a cluster of energizers to balance them if there is a crippling de-energizer throughout your workplace. Who are the individuals who support you in your workplace? Who are all who, in the first place, represent why you took this job? Even if it’s for a fast coffee break or a stroll around the block, spend time with them. And don’t allow your de-energizer dealings to force you to cancel plans with family and friends.
- Nurture a sense of flourishing on your own:
A sense of prospering will make things easier for you to reframe the put downs and disrespect of your coworker so that they may not sound as harmful. How far would you let someone drag you down? ‘Porath asks. “In large part, you really do get to decide how you interpret incivility, the meaning you assign to it, and the stories you tell yourself. You also get to control whether it makes you feel bad or not.”
In many ways, you can add up your sense of prosperity, including getting enough exercise and sleep, eating a diverse diet, and prioritising your interests and hobbies without work. Make positive changes at work, such as finding a mentor or doubling down on your personal objectives.
- Talk and observe:
In certain situations, you can decide to talk it out with your obnoxious coworker, particularly if you can point to a specific experience or pattern of conduct. Before you do, Porath recommends you ask yourself these questions:
Is their conduct deliberate?
Is their actions special, or is it part of a culture of incivility in general?
Once you have arranged a meeting, choose a reasonable time to chat and pick an atmosphere where both of you can feel relaxed. One thing to consider: Does it help to have other people (e.g. your boss or someone from HR) as witnesses or mediators? Invite them if so. And you can find it helpful first, even role-play the conversation, to rehearse your phrasing, ideas and approach.
- Try not to take it personally:
Keep calm and carry on, as they say. It’ll feel like this person is threatening you if you take things personally, and in turn, you’ll activate a fear response mechanism in your brain.
You tend to make less apparent and rational choices when that happens, and you resort to more emotional ones. Note, maybe this person is trying to annoy you. And if you let her, say, by lashing out to protect herself and telling her what a jerk she’s like, you’re just going to be playing in her hands right now. In a negative circumstance, be cool, optimistic, and never underestimate the potential of kindness.
“What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
Core values to consider
Do’s:
- Know that most individuals at work behave aggressively because they feel challenged
- Question yourself whether the situation is too emotional or misunderstood.
- Call out the wrong actions at the time
Don’t’s:
- Take all the blame: many bullies choose highly qualified and well-liked targets.
- Escalate the situation before you have managed to settle it informally and with the support of your allies
- If you think the scenario continues and you should leave. Leave.
You may not be able to alter others’ actions, but you should at least learn to cope with them effectively to mitigate the impact and suffering on you, your trust, and your job.